Hi All,
Sorry been a while since I haven't been writing.
Things were busy and so was I.. Was dealing with the pressures of a new job, a 3 year old and everything else an Indian girl has to go through her entire life.
Hence I want to pen down some of my feeling as I am feeling very uncomfortable and there's no-one I can express it to. Sorry but this post isn't funny or positive, just like our lives but I know it'll all pass one day and I will be sat reading this post a few years later and would be smiling at myself.
Today I want to write about one of the most important person in my life and the most influential one. My mom.
For anyone in this world, mom is the first most important person as she brings us in this world and that is why you can never repay your mom back ever again... end of story. And I agree most of us understand that and treat our moms that way. Specially when you are Indian and its in your culture to put your mum before everything.
But sometimes I feel that this is too overpowering. There could be different types of mom dads in the world, some understanding some strict and some just making you realize everyday that you have to pay a big debt to them
I am blessed with mom like that. She is a wonderful lady, very kind, very helpful, but the thing that bothers me the most is her expectations of a good daughter/son/husband/son-in-law/daughter-in-law and everybody around her.
I have been living with these expectations for 31 years now, but sometime they are so depressing and stressful that you wish you can as this question that "Mummy maine kya kiya???"
I am the first born in my family and that was my first mistake. According to the old Indian mentality a every lady should have a boy or boy as a first born at-least. Nobody wanted a girl back in those days. So because I dared to break the norm, I was wrong from the beginning. She told me that they were really upset when I was born, but as I was little I didn't realize anything so can't complaint. but as I am writing this post today, I want to ask my mom k "Mummy maine kya kiya??" Sorry break your hopes of a boy but it was not my fault.
Then my brother was born so things got a little bit better as they had hope that he would be her Old age support. I grew up from 2.5 years old to elder sister. I didn't mind, I was really happy to have a brother but slowly the difference started becoming clear. I was elder and also a girl, so I was wrong all the time. Even if my brother made a mistake, I would get the beating for it and then again, I wanted to ask this question to my mom k "Mummy maine kya kiya??"
As a child I was close to both my parents as both are equally important, but slowly I started become close to my dad and far from my mom as you only get close to a person you get more love from. Its simple maths. When sometimes I used to do anything wrong, instead of saying that "Don't be a bad girl" etc I used to get a warning that I"f you don't obey me, I will jump for the terrace and die" and that thought used to terrify me as a child. The very thought of losing your mom. I used to cry a lot.. She used to leave me and go and I used to think that its really happened and cry more and more. At that point I wanted to ask this question to my mom k "Mummy maine kya kiya??"
As we grew older and older, the gap between my mom and me increased, my brother was the obvious favorite. He would get all his wishes granted and I was happy in my own world, no complaints here. But as I grew bigger, the things which my brother and I could do completely changed. I wasn't allowed to laugh a lot as mannered girls don't laugh a lot. Wasn't allowed to talk a lot and I used o love talking but I couldn't. I had to be not myself when I am about specially nanis house as everybody around is a Judge of Life and specially Judge of my mom's abilities as a parent, so if I dared to talk more, laugh, run play around or even fight with my brother, I am classed as a bad kid and my mom will fail in her parent exam. And again this question came to my mind k "Mummy maine kya kiya??"
Then suddenly I was a teen, I had friends, I started to answer back sometimes and engage in conversations but again I was scolded and even beaten up by my mom for just talking back. Never as a child or as a teenager I was given confidence by her that she's with me and she will help me get though every phase of my life. I was, I am and I will forever be under her judgement and scrutiny panel. where, I dont know what I have to do but I have to meet her expectations. and her expectations are so crystal clear -- "As everybody's else's children"
BUT HOW DO YOU KNOW??? what everybody else's children do?? you only see a brief moment of their lives.. what goes behind the scenes, you could never tell so how can you set such expectations???
Never-mind I carried on with my studies, thankfully I was a topper in the class, if I were any average girl, I don't know what more would have come my end.
Carrying on, as years passed, mom started becoming more aggressive, I think the early 40's were really hitting her. She started having fights with dad everyday. And as I supported dad, I was wrong too. She would boycott us completely for weeks. She never smiled. She would just have fights with everyone relatives, neighbor etc. Anyone who dared to not do what she expected will be fought with. Dad was the main victim in all this. He was not feeling well at all. His job was stressful, dealing with difficult bosses and coming home to an even difficult wife didn't do him any good. bt again if I would say that om please dont treat dad like that, I was rebuked.
Hence the question "Mummy maine kya kiya??"
I entered engineering and the distance helped with lessening the fights at home which I was happy for but then God had other plans and one fine day, he decide that my dad should come to him and he took him away from us. Dad went away and took my lasts hopes of a happy home with him.
Nothing could be back to normal after that, I had to deal with a crying, difficult mom with lots of expectations and no support. But I did it, because I knew that if dad were to tell me his last wishes, it would have been "Take care of your mom" so I did. I made every effort to be a good daughter, treading on her expectations as I can't see her sad. She's my only left parent.
She kept on becoming more and more demanding and frustrated. Sometimes complaining that why am I taking too much time to brush my teeth, sometimes why am I going to my hostel. but I could understand that she is alone, so I did not complaint. But again -- "Mummy maine kya kiya??"
I completed engineering, started a job, thanks to mom, dad and everybody else's wishes.
Now as every Indian girl I had to get married, before 25 otherwise I would go old. And I ahd to get married, not to the man of my dreams but the son-in-law of her dreams. She tried to force his chosen person to me and when I refused, the threats were back.. I will die... Why do you not want to get married?? You have become money minded.. you dont care about your mom..
Of course I did but I could just marry a guy that she thinks is right, It had to click. I was given sermons every day that how a job and a big city has corrupted my mind and I really wanted to ask k "Mummy maine kya kiya??"
I finally decide to get married, chose a guy who was fit in her criteria and mine too, everything was ok to begin with but as we got engaged.. she started judging him too and the complaints were never ending.. I would be over the phone everyday explaining her that how she is misunderstanding him but all in vain.. she would tell me that I have changed in a few weeks and I am not her daughter anymore...
We finally got married and my mom's never-ending battle with my husband began.. She would accuse him of not being a good son-in-law despite his best efforts and I would just be a spectator of my moms versatility.
When I was pregnant she came to UK to help me with delivery for the last months of pregnancy and instead of giving me hope and good thoughts she just complained about my husband to me and that how I should fight with him. She created a glum atmosphere at those happy moments of my life. Even after my daughter was born, she would be irritated, frustrated and shout as us eveytime we would dare to question her. That was followed by days of drama crying scolding me of taking my husbands side etc etc
Those 6 months were difficult for me but I tried my best to make her happy.
And again I really wanted to ask k "Mummy maine kya kiya??"
My brother has also grown and wanted to have girlfriends, get married but everytime you tell her about a girl, she will create so much negativity and an atmosphere full of tension and crying etc due to the reason she didn't get to have her say.. He's been struggling to keep up with mom's expectations. And my moms favorite person doesn't talks to her anymore and ignores her but guess who has to face all the bad feelings and negative talks...
Today I am happy, after 10 years of doing job, i can finally afford a house with my husband. We got eveything sorted and got the keys etc buuut mummy has stopped talking to me. because according to her I failed her expectations of being a good daughter and staying with her mom. i dared to come to the UK and also buy a house after 6 years of wasting money on rents. Since the past month, everytime I try to talk to her, I either get no answer, or I get scolded and rebuked of betraying her or I just get a cold answer.
I am feeling so disturbed and stressed, I can't explain. I ahve been frustrated and not being nice to my husband and daughter too. My main problem is that I dont know what have I done wrong. Everybody is congratulating me and my mom is sad glum and giving bad replies.
Again mom again "Maine kya kiya??"
I vist her every year, I call her every day, I send her gifts, I send her money, I bring her here and hand over my card to her to shop until she drops. I make my daughter to talk to her. I dont know what else could I do to make her happy.. but she is never happy.
If I am wrong please god punish me as nobody should be wrong to her parents.. I am blindfolded, I can't see where am I wrong and my mom is always complaining that I am wrong.
She calls my friends, cousins, relatives to tell them that how disturbed she is with my idea of buying a house in the UK. But I just want to say that mom -- "You did everything best for us when we were growing up and that's the reason I am where I am right now and now I want to do the best for my children and make them have a happy life. Hence I am doing what I am doing" if I am wrong please forgive me.. Sorry for not being a good daughter. I did try my best.
Love you mom
Sorry been a while since I haven't been writing.
Things were busy and so was I.. Was dealing with the pressures of a new job, a 3 year old and everything else an Indian girl has to go through her entire life.
Hence I want to pen down some of my feeling as I am feeling very uncomfortable and there's no-one I can express it to. Sorry but this post isn't funny or positive, just like our lives but I know it'll all pass one day and I will be sat reading this post a few years later and would be smiling at myself.
Today I want to write about one of the most important person in my life and the most influential one. My mom.
For anyone in this world, mom is the first most important person as she brings us in this world and that is why you can never repay your mom back ever again... end of story. And I agree most of us understand that and treat our moms that way. Specially when you are Indian and its in your culture to put your mum before everything.
But sometimes I feel that this is too overpowering. There could be different types of mom dads in the world, some understanding some strict and some just making you realize everyday that you have to pay a big debt to them
I am blessed with mom like that. She is a wonderful lady, very kind, very helpful, but the thing that bothers me the most is her expectations of a good daughter/son/husband/son-in-law/daughter-in-law and everybody around her.
I have been living with these expectations for 31 years now, but sometime they are so depressing and stressful that you wish you can as this question that "Mummy maine kya kiya???"
I am the first born in my family and that was my first mistake. According to the old Indian mentality a every lady should have a boy or boy as a first born at-least. Nobody wanted a girl back in those days. So because I dared to break the norm, I was wrong from the beginning. She told me that they were really upset when I was born, but as I was little I didn't realize anything so can't complaint. but as I am writing this post today, I want to ask my mom k "Mummy maine kya kiya??" Sorry break your hopes of a boy but it was not my fault.
Then my brother was born so things got a little bit better as they had hope that he would be her Old age support. I grew up from 2.5 years old to elder sister. I didn't mind, I was really happy to have a brother but slowly the difference started becoming clear. I was elder and also a girl, so I was wrong all the time. Even if my brother made a mistake, I would get the beating for it and then again, I wanted to ask this question to my mom k "Mummy maine kya kiya??"
As a child I was close to both my parents as both are equally important, but slowly I started become close to my dad and far from my mom as you only get close to a person you get more love from. Its simple maths. When sometimes I used to do anything wrong, instead of saying that "Don't be a bad girl" etc I used to get a warning that I"f you don't obey me, I will jump for the terrace and die" and that thought used to terrify me as a child. The very thought of losing your mom. I used to cry a lot.. She used to leave me and go and I used to think that its really happened and cry more and more. At that point I wanted to ask this question to my mom k "Mummy maine kya kiya??"
As we grew older and older, the gap between my mom and me increased, my brother was the obvious favorite. He would get all his wishes granted and I was happy in my own world, no complaints here. But as I grew bigger, the things which my brother and I could do completely changed. I wasn't allowed to laugh a lot as mannered girls don't laugh a lot. Wasn't allowed to talk a lot and I used o love talking but I couldn't. I had to be not myself when I am about specially nanis house as everybody around is a Judge of Life and specially Judge of my mom's abilities as a parent, so if I dared to talk more, laugh, run play around or even fight with my brother, I am classed as a bad kid and my mom will fail in her parent exam. And again this question came to my mind k "Mummy maine kya kiya??"
Then suddenly I was a teen, I had friends, I started to answer back sometimes and engage in conversations but again I was scolded and even beaten up by my mom for just talking back. Never as a child or as a teenager I was given confidence by her that she's with me and she will help me get though every phase of my life. I was, I am and I will forever be under her judgement and scrutiny panel. where, I dont know what I have to do but I have to meet her expectations. and her expectations are so crystal clear -- "As everybody's else's children"
BUT HOW DO YOU KNOW??? what everybody else's children do?? you only see a brief moment of their lives.. what goes behind the scenes, you could never tell so how can you set such expectations???
Never-mind I carried on with my studies, thankfully I was a topper in the class, if I were any average girl, I don't know what more would have come my end.
Carrying on, as years passed, mom started becoming more aggressive, I think the early 40's were really hitting her. She started having fights with dad everyday. And as I supported dad, I was wrong too. She would boycott us completely for weeks. She never smiled. She would just have fights with everyone relatives, neighbor etc. Anyone who dared to not do what she expected will be fought with. Dad was the main victim in all this. He was not feeling well at all. His job was stressful, dealing with difficult bosses and coming home to an even difficult wife didn't do him any good. bt again if I would say that om please dont treat dad like that, I was rebuked.
Hence the question "Mummy maine kya kiya??"
I entered engineering and the distance helped with lessening the fights at home which I was happy for but then God had other plans and one fine day, he decide that my dad should come to him and he took him away from us. Dad went away and took my lasts hopes of a happy home with him.
Nothing could be back to normal after that, I had to deal with a crying, difficult mom with lots of expectations and no support. But I did it, because I knew that if dad were to tell me his last wishes, it would have been "Take care of your mom" so I did. I made every effort to be a good daughter, treading on her expectations as I can't see her sad. She's my only left parent.
She kept on becoming more and more demanding and frustrated. Sometimes complaining that why am I taking too much time to brush my teeth, sometimes why am I going to my hostel. but I could understand that she is alone, so I did not complaint. But again -- "Mummy maine kya kiya??"
I completed engineering, started a job, thanks to mom, dad and everybody else's wishes.
Now as every Indian girl I had to get married, before 25 otherwise I would go old. And I ahd to get married, not to the man of my dreams but the son-in-law of her dreams. She tried to force his chosen person to me and when I refused, the threats were back.. I will die... Why do you not want to get married?? You have become money minded.. you dont care about your mom..
Of course I did but I could just marry a guy that she thinks is right, It had to click. I was given sermons every day that how a job and a big city has corrupted my mind and I really wanted to ask k "Mummy maine kya kiya??"
I finally decide to get married, chose a guy who was fit in her criteria and mine too, everything was ok to begin with but as we got engaged.. she started judging him too and the complaints were never ending.. I would be over the phone everyday explaining her that how she is misunderstanding him but all in vain.. she would tell me that I have changed in a few weeks and I am not her daughter anymore...
We finally got married and my mom's never-ending battle with my husband began.. She would accuse him of not being a good son-in-law despite his best efforts and I would just be a spectator of my moms versatility.
When I was pregnant she came to UK to help me with delivery for the last months of pregnancy and instead of giving me hope and good thoughts she just complained about my husband to me and that how I should fight with him. She created a glum atmosphere at those happy moments of my life. Even after my daughter was born, she would be irritated, frustrated and shout as us eveytime we would dare to question her. That was followed by days of drama crying scolding me of taking my husbands side etc etc
Those 6 months were difficult for me but I tried my best to make her happy.
And again I really wanted to ask k "Mummy maine kya kiya??"
My brother has also grown and wanted to have girlfriends, get married but everytime you tell her about a girl, she will create so much negativity and an atmosphere full of tension and crying etc due to the reason she didn't get to have her say.. He's been struggling to keep up with mom's expectations. And my moms favorite person doesn't talks to her anymore and ignores her but guess who has to face all the bad feelings and negative talks...
Today I am happy, after 10 years of doing job, i can finally afford a house with my husband. We got eveything sorted and got the keys etc buuut mummy has stopped talking to me. because according to her I failed her expectations of being a good daughter and staying with her mom. i dared to come to the UK and also buy a house after 6 years of wasting money on rents. Since the past month, everytime I try to talk to her, I either get no answer, or I get scolded and rebuked of betraying her or I just get a cold answer.
I am feeling so disturbed and stressed, I can't explain. I ahve been frustrated and not being nice to my husband and daughter too. My main problem is that I dont know what have I done wrong. Everybody is congratulating me and my mom is sad glum and giving bad replies.
Again mom again "Maine kya kiya??"
I vist her every year, I call her every day, I send her gifts, I send her money, I bring her here and hand over my card to her to shop until she drops. I make my daughter to talk to her. I dont know what else could I do to make her happy.. but she is never happy.
If I am wrong please god punish me as nobody should be wrong to her parents.. I am blindfolded, I can't see where am I wrong and my mom is always complaining that I am wrong.
She calls my friends, cousins, relatives to tell them that how disturbed she is with my idea of buying a house in the UK. But I just want to say that mom -- "You did everything best for us when we were growing up and that's the reason I am where I am right now and now I want to do the best for my children and make them have a happy life. Hence I am doing what I am doing" if I am wrong please forgive me.. Sorry for not being a good daughter. I did try my best.
Love you mom
